Stop the celebration!
All around the world people are celebrating Thanksgiving, our annual time to come together as families, enjoy a little food and interaction, and remind ourselves of all that we have to be grateful for.
And destroy the planet as well.
How? Because Thanksgiving and Christmas contribute to global warming. As Drudge reports: A “new study has linked the traditional feasts associated with Thanksgiving and Christmas to increases in planetary temperatures.
“Apparently the Turkey Fry at our church the other day did a little more than fry Turkeys. It fried earth! We should have advertised on our signs “Turkey & Ozone Layer Fry, Saturday Nov. 21st.”As the experts in this report will say, “the additional energy required to fatten, slaughter, ship and roast tens of millions of turkeys causes a seasonal spike in greenhouse gasses. Scientists say the effects of these spikes could be devastating.”
Alas, the vindication of the fowl! Hear you Turkeys: these evil human beings who fatten you for the sole purpose of killing you just because you taste good are in reality killing themselves. They will pay for their crimes, as they consume and dilute all of the natural resources in the world and end up cooking themselves as well as you. It’s called Global Warming: God’s vengeance on the Thankful.
Dear reader: This Thanksgiving is a time to weep and to be grateful for scientists and experts. Without them we would all merrily celebrate the incarnation of Jesus Christ, and all of the blessings of God, including his abundant provision of tasty turkeys, all the while completely and blissfully ignorant of the fact that our inability to contain all of this pent-up gratefulness will result in mankind’s ultimate doom.
As you gather around your tables this thanksgiving, ask God to give us more scientists and experts to add to the list of the myriad of things that could send us into oblivion. Ask God to help us grow in our pessimism and learn to count our blessings less often, and count our fears all the more often. Ask God to help you remember to be anxious about tomorrow, because today does not have enough troubles of its own.
And finally, ask God not to be too hard on George Washington, who in 1789 proclaimed a national Day of Thanksgiving. I mean, how could the man have known that his little proclamation would one day destroy the world?
